That’s So Fetch – A Pop Culture Blog

For those taking notes at home: the title is a euphemism for lesbianism.  That’s a lot of isms.  She’s not exactly wearing Birkenstocks and listening to Melissa Etheridge tunes in her Volvo, but she is the October cover girl for GQ magazine in which she reveals a dirty little secret.  I don’t want to turn into one of those websites, but posting this seemed like a no-brainer given the fact that my demographic is hormone driven 15-35 year old men.  I feel as though there are a few of you who haven’t heard what Megan Fox said in GQ yet; but not to fret my TSF readers, this is why you waste time at work on my website.

There’s only one problem:  I don’t feel like you really gain anything from me regurgitating information from some Hollywood bombshell’s embarrassing past.  So in between these Megan Fox quotes, I have placed random educational facts -  something that you can carry with you on your travels to impress people on airplanes or to break the ice on a first date.  Something you can use.  Education comes first here at TSF.  OK I’ve made you wait long enough and it’s right about now that your attention begins to diminish.  On with what Megan Fox had to say (put the kids to bed for these quotes):

“With any of the Miley Cyrus shit, or any of that Vanessa Hudgens shit – I would never issue an apology for my life and for who I am.  It’s like, Oh, I’m sorry I took naked, private pictures that someone is an asshole and sold for money.  I’m sorry if someone else is a dick.  No, you shouldn’t have to apologize.  Someone betrayed Vanessa, but no one’s angry at that person.  She had to apologize.  I hate Disney for making her do that.  Fuck Disney.”

Elephants are the only mammal that can’t jump.
Honey is the only food that does not spoil.
“Rhythm” is the longest English word with no vowels.
Lettuce is the only food that you can ONLY purchase fresh.

Check out the size of a whale shark relative to a human!  Whoa!

In reference to her first year living in L.A. at age 18:

“Well, that year my boyfriend broke up with me, and I decided – oh man; sorry Mommy! – that I was in love with this girl that had worked at the Body Shop [a strip club on Sunset Boulevard].  I decided that I was going to get her to love me back, and I went out of my way to create a relationship with this girl, a stripper named Nikita.  I was there all the time – I would go there by myself.  I bought her things – perfume, body spray, girlie stuff.  I turned into a weird middle-aged married man.  I felt like I had this need to save Nikita.  I’d get lap dances just so I could get to know her, and I’d give her what I thought were great little sound bites of inspiration – like You can do it, you’re better than this!  I didn’t want her to be there.”

COLLECTIVE GASP

I really hope suburbanite mothers can get a hold of all the GQs in suburbia ’cause I damn well know that this filth can’t be spread amongst the American youth.  What’s next?  High schoolers drinking beer in their basements whilst touching each other to promiscuous rap music?

It’s safe to assume that most people reading my blog couldn’t care less that I am about to post a list that I did not write (which I’ve never done) – you just want to be entertained, I get it.  This list is actually from a book called The Hipster Handbook that I recently got my hands on.  For those who are daily readers, you know that I have an unnecessary nack for pointing out the flaws in others (i.e. Top 10 Most Obnoxious People at College Bars or Top 10 Chick Repellent Items of 2008).  Given the fact that being entertained is all you care about, I am going to assume you don’t mind that I am posting a non-TSF list.  In fact, most of you are probably not even reading this sentence right now.  What are the odds that most TSF readers even read the paragraphs before lists?  Very low – that would be the answer.

The two easiest targets on earth have got to be Hipsters and Frat Guys.  Hipsters live and die by not being mainstream and Frat guys live and die by being mainstream.  Hipsters are the antithesis of Frat guys – and vice versa.  I want to move to Hollywood and pitch a reality show in which Hipsters are forced to shop at shopping malls, watch sports, and drive American made cars – Frat guys are forced to hang out at local coffee shops and drive Pruises to Independent movie theaters.  Tell me you wouldn’t pay to see Hipsters be force fed a Hamburger while listening to pop radio.  But how do I get said Hipsters to engage in such “mainstream” ideals?  They certainly wouldn’t accept monetary compensation because having disposable income is so not cool.

Who the hell told these people that it’s acceptable for men to wear women’s jeans?  Is that something you really want to tell your grandchildren?  You’re lying on your death bed and your daughter is explaining to your 9 year old grandchild that you wore women’s jeans at one point your life.  How am I supposed to sit here and buy that you are not gay?  Look, if you’re borrowing clothes from your sister, you are in dire need of a reevaluation of your existence.  Seriously.

For those of you that made it to the 3rd paragraph of this senseless rant, you may be wondering what a Hipster is:

hip’ster – \hip-stur (s)\n.  One who possesses tastes, social attitudes, and opinions deemed cool by the cool.  The hipster walks among the masses in daily life but is not a part of them and shuns or reduces to kitsch anything held dear by the mainstream.  A Hipster ideally possesses no more than 2% body fat.

10 CLUES YOU MIGHT BE A HIPSTER

1. You graduated from a liberal arts school whose football team hasn’t won a game since the Reagan administration.

2. You frequently use the term “postmodern” (or its commonly used variation “PoMo”) as an adjective, noun, or verb.

3. You carry a shoulder-strap messenger bag and have at one time or another worn a pair of horn-rimmed or Buddy Holly-style glasses.

4. You have refined taste and consider yourself exceptionally cultured, but have one pop vice (Real World, Entertainment Weekly, etc.) that helps define you as “well-rounded”.

5. You have kissed someone of the the same gender and often bring this up in casual conversation.

6. You spend much of your leisure time in bars and restaurants with monosyllabic names like Plant, Bound, and Shine.

7. You bought your dishes and a chekered table cloth at a thrift shop to be kitschy, and often throw vegetarian dinner parties.

8. You have one Republican friend whom you always refer to as your “one Republican friend”.

9. You enjoy complaining about gentrification even though you are responsible for it yourself.

10. Your hair looks best unwashed.

10 CLUES YOU MIGHT NOT BE A HIPSTER

1. You teach Sunday School.

2. You use hair spray and wear pleated paints or pastel dress suits.

3. You are a big fan of the suburbs and vinyl siding.

4. You have a special “spill shirt” that you wear when you eat dinner.

5. You like to watch college football.

6. You read novels with raised lettering on their covers.

7. You like to listen to the Dave Matthews Band while driving your SUV.

8. You enjoy movies that star the Rock or Vin Diesel.

9. You wear holiday themed sweaters.

10. You work in an office building that has a man-made pond and a fountain in its front lot.

These lists were taken from the book Hipster Handbook.  I am going to do my best to cite the book although I did not pay attention in 10th grade English and have unfortunately forgotten MLA style citations.  The book is under copyright 2002 by Robert Lanham by Anchor Books, a division of Random House in New York.  Don’t sue me.

At the beginning of August I reset my Top 25 Most Played playlist on iTunes so I could give my readers a 100% accurate representation of my listening habits.  Your iTunes Top 25 Most Played doesn’t lie … you can’t deny playing “Mmmbop” to your friends anymore.  In my case, my guilty pleasure over the last 6 weeks was Fergie’s infectious pop anthem “Glamorous”.  I love live playlists and especially “most played” playlists (which is well documented in my “How To Create iTunes Smart Playlists” post).

I also enjoy looking at other people’s Top 25 list.  It gives you an insight into what they actually listen to – not what they tell you they listen to.  For example, people who wear Radiohead shirts because they think they’re cool when in actuality Coldplay occupies most of their Top 25 most played.  But I enjoy seeing other people’s top 25 list because if I see a song I haven’t heard before – and it’s on their top 25 – it must be good … right?

Shane Alexander’s The Sky Below and ADELE’s 19 are the front-runners for best albums of 2008 (so far).  They are in constant rotation on my iTunes.

Without further adieu, I give you an objective representation of the music I’ve been listening to for the past 6 weeks (click for larger image):

As you can tell, I am a firm believer that all music is created equal. For example, the genres represented here:  Folk, Bluegrass, Pop Country, Jazz, Singer/Songwriter, 90s Alternative Rock, Rap, Pop, Classic Rock.

10. The Overly Confident Pool/Darts Guy

You are above average at the “bar sports”.  You have a steady hand that makes all the chicks melt.  Your idea of a good time is a night of kickin’ ass and takin’ names at the pool table or an overly competitive game of darts.  All of your friends want to be you and you have caught the attention of every girl in the bar – believe me -  If you can’t get laid, I don’t know who can.  You are a grade-A badass.  We salute you.

9. The Unapproachable Hot Chick

We all know the unapproachable hot chick who’s just “too hot” for anyone.  I mean – what’s the point of living if you aren’t accessible at all?  Let me give you some help.  A little TSF tip.  100% free consultation:

In any given group of girls, there will naturally be a “range” of hotness.  Let’s say there’s a group of 4 chicks you want to get your mack on with.  Before approaching, you begin forming a pre-game scouting report.  Reports show a 10, an 8, a 7, a 5 and a 3.  (out of 10).  Never – and I repeat NEVER – go after the hottest chick in a group (in this case, the 10).  She’s a lost cause, forget her.  You go after the 2nd hottest.  If you can’t close the deal with the 2nd hottest, you find another group and repeat. Win.

8. The “Grenade”

It is a well-known fact that hot chicks keep hot company.  Unfortunately, there are exceptions to every rule.  When you and and your friend decide to hit the bars, a Wing Man must be identified for the possibility of the “grenade”, a.k.a. the hot chick’s ugly friend.  The Wing Man must accept the fact that he may have to jump on that grenade for you to have any possibility of taking care of business after hours.  The things we do for our friends…

7. The Underages

You’re 19 and you “so look 21” – but in reality you stick out like a sore thumb.  You’re a freshman and it’s insanely obvious because it’s 10:00pm and you’re already passed out in the bathroom.  Dorm room Easy Mac has easily added a good 10-15 pounds … and it’s only September.  Your fake ID is “flawless” and you’ve spent the last two weeks memorizing the fake address.

6. Guys In Sleeveless Shirts

You work out a lot – we get it.  In my Top 10 Chick Repellent Items of 2008 list, I mentioned that all dudes should be wearing sleeves at all times in a public place.  You may spend 3 hours a day in the gym, but who are you kidding?  We all know you’re making up for size in your arms for the lack of size elsewhere.  And it’s no secret that all of you sleeveless egomaniacs shave your arms – which is 100% unacceptable and is gayer than Elton John giving Richard Simmons a sponge bath.

5. The “You Lookin’ At My Girl?” Guy

You’re a badass and you love to make us all aware.  The minute some dude looks at your girl’s D cups (that you probably paid for), you react as if he’d wished Polio upon your first born.  You ask him to step outside because it really is worth going to jail for because some dude thinks your girlfriend is bangin’.  You always have your hands on her hips and you must make it known that “she’s your girl“.  You’re possessive and it’s oh-so-evident.

4. The Overly Boisterous-Frat Guy/Sorority Girl-80s Rock Fan

“DON’T STOP BELIEVIN’ – HOLD ON TO THAT FEEEEELINNNN’ YA YAYAAA”.  You act like you haven’t heard that song in years and it gives you an auditory orgasm every time that kick ass 80s rock song resonates your ear drums.  Pump your fist in the air, raise your beer, and scream the lyrics with your arm around that sexually obliged sorostitute.  You’re wearing your slick Polo button up and only utilizing 3 or 4 of the buttons because we all know we love staring at your revolting, hairy man-chest.

3. Chicks With Boyfriends

If a hot chick has a boyfriend and decides to go “out with the girls”, do us all a favor and mention this little fact up front.  The last thing I want to do is buy a chick five $9 drinks only to find out 30 minutes later that’s she’s heading home to bone down with her lame boyfriend.

2. The “It’s My Birthday!!!!!” Girl

You’re loud.  You’re obnoxious.  And everyone around must know that it’s your “BIRTHDAY, BITCH!“  You’re wearing an annoyingly unnecessary princess crown and you’re still drunk from the TGIF shooters at your birthday dinner.  What you don’t realize is that no one gives two shits that it’s your birthday other than your equally as annoying friends.  You’re overly celebrating the day that you emerged from your mother’s birth canal … just like everyone else will at some point in the year.  No I won’t buy you a shot – go away.

1. Steroid Filled, “I’m Gonna Kick Your Ass” Guy

“Move.”  “Don’t touch my boy, bro.”  “Look at me like that again..”  “Shut your goddamn mouth.”  “Tell your boy to step off.” Has this guy ever taken a chick home?  What a sad existence.  It’s like it’s their life goal to get in at least one fight every weekend.  They use words like “bro”, “chief”, and “boss”.  Girls are “hoes”, “sluts” and “bitches” and don’t you ever cross one of their “boys”,  chief.

Big Lebowski Reenactment.  Some kids reenacted the Toilet/Peeing on the rug scene from the funniest movie of all time, The Big Lebowski.  Totally awesome if you can get passed the non-cussing.  Not that cussing is necessarily cool – but “fudge” is not.  Regardless, great job kids!

Kanye West is an asshole and always has been.  I can stand his music – he has a few good tunes – but I can’t stand the actual person.  This video proves this logic.  He and his crony attack a paparazzi.  If you’re famous and have millions of dollars in the bank, don’t get pissed when someone takes your picture without asking.  I’d love to say he’s a waste of space, but I must admit I have 3 or 4 Kanye songs in my iTunes right now.  Hopefully he’ll get put in “pound me in the ass prison” and not conjugal visits prison.  One can only hope.

That’s So Fetch on Maxim.com!  You don’t say!

The dudes over at Maxim have good taste and posted my Top 10 Fictitious Bands of All Time list on the front page (see below) and as an “entertainment link” here.  Pretty pretttttyy pretttyyyy cool.

ADELE – 19

Available on iTunes for $7.99
9.5/10

Adele Laurie Blue Adams, professionally known as simply Adele, is a jazz style, English singer/songwriter who has often been compared to and referred to as “the new Amy Winehouse”.  First of all, that’s an insult to Adele.  Amy Winehouse has a great voice but isn’t groundbreaking – Adele is extremely talented and much more likable.  Not to metion, her record is much much better.  Her debut album, 19, was released earlier this year to critical acclaim and has sold upwards of 500,000 copies.

This album is absolutely phenomenal.  If you have ever thought about taking my word on anything, take my word on this.  If you enjoy jazz or singer/songwriters with originality and an unparalleled uniqueness, Adele will not only flat your boat – she’ll drive the damn thing for you.

When you first play the album, the opening line “Daydreamer sitting on the sea soaking up the sun” will knock you back and immediately bombard your senses with joy.  Her voice is therapeutic and melancholy.  For anyone who appreciates a great jazz voice, Adele will not disappoint.

I found out about Adele during her performance of “Crazy For You” on Conan O’Brien.  She was insanely brilliant and rocked out with just her voice and an acoustic guitar.  It’s also one of the best songs on 19.  Here’s a link to the video on YouTube.  They unfortunately disabled embedding.  Go watch that video and come back and try to convince me that her voice isn’t incredible.  I dare you.

Here’s a video for her song “Hometown Glory“

ALBUM OF THE WEEK

Mitch Hedberg - Do You Believe In Gosh?

The late great Mitch Hedberg has posthumously released a new comedy album entitled Do You Believe In Gosh? I had a chance to listen to it – and as usual – it’s hilarious.  If you’ve never listened to Mitch Hedberg, buy this album as an early Christmas present for yourself- oh wait – Napster let’s you listen to songs for free?  Sweet. Listen to the entire album here.

WHY DO PEOPLE LIKE PINK?

You’re telling me that the smartest, most advanced creatures on earth have downloaded so many copies of Pink’s new song, “So What”, that it is now the #1 selling song on iTunes?  What is so likable about Pink other than she can’t sing, she’s ob-fuckin’-noxious, and she is the least marketable person on the planet.  Who is identifying with her image?  There can’t be that many pissed off lesbians downloading on iTunes…

METALLICA’S NEW ALBUM – ON A FRIDAY?

CDs and DVDs have been released on Tuesdays for as long as I can remember – so what’s the deal with Metallica releasing their newest effort, Death Magnetic, on a Friday?  Can I get some information?  I decided to download one of four of their newest singles on iTunes, “Cyanide” – not a bad track.  Hetfield has lost it a bit, but the rest of the band still rocks pretty hard.

ENTOURAGE PREMIER BOMBS

Bad news for the fab four – Entourage’s Season 5 Premier on Sunday achieved an abysmal 1.0 rating.  It must be attributed to the fact that Season 4 was shit compared to the rest of the series.  As TSF readers know, I am a huge Entourage fan.  It earned a spot on my Top 6 TV Shows of The 2000s list.
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SONGS OF THE WEEK

Pomeroy – “Elevate“

Ween – “Piss Up A Rope“

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

This is genius.

PICTURES OF THE WEEK