That’s So Fetch – A Pop Culture Blog

With all of the “Chick Repellent Items“-type lists calling out guys and TSF giving all men a reason to reevaluate their lives, women have been getting off too easily.  They’ve been visiting my website and chuckling their little heads off at the mockery I have made of the countless flaws of the male sex.

Well those days are over.  It’s time for some change around here.  You knew the day would come.  Women may have better skin, prettier faces, and breasts – but you aren’t all perfect little angels.  Jerry Seinfeld said it best when asked what guys are thinking: “nothing” … which is true in most cases, but we do have the ability, as women do, to weed out and avoid certain types of girls.

Let it be known that this list is 100% limited to girls who you would like to date.  There is no shame in hooking up with a girl who has her tongue pierced – but asking her to be your girlfriend would be highly egregious.  If one of my good friends started dating a chick who collected stamps or was constantly texting her mother – it would be my job to step in and take control of the situation.

Have you ever wondered why that guy never called you back?  Check the list.

That’s So Fetch is known for its fearless and unapologetic lists and this is no exception.  I give to you,

THE TOP 10 TYPES OF GIRLS

THAT GUYS SHOULD AVOID

BE SURE TO CHECK OUT TOP 10 TYPES OF GUYS THAT GIRLS SHOULD AVOID.

10. Collects something weird

No, I could not be more disinterested in your stamp or spoon collection.  Who in the hell collects stamps or spoons?  If you have more than 20 of anything in your room other than some form of media or books, you’re just weird.  Your Care Bear collection from 1986 has got to go … in the trashcan.

9. Has more than two cats

If a chick has a cat or two that’s cool – even if she talks to her cat, which is a little weird, we can let it slide.  But when you’ve got 4 or 5 cats and you’re bordering on being one of those old cat ladies who wears cat sweaters and can’t leave the house without her Siamese cat lapel pin, you might as well get more comfortable with the thought of a sexless existence.

8. Drank hard liquor in high school

If you’re drinking a bottle of Vodka or Jager and a chick comments on “how much she drank that in high school”, odds are that’s code for getting hammered in some college dudes’ basement at age 16 to drinking games that involved the word “strip”.

7. She’s too familiar with the morning after pill

If she has a favorite brand of morning after pill and she doesn’t have to make a phone call to find out how to acquire them, this should be more than enough reason for you to pull the plug after a couple dates.

6. Too close to her mother

Ah yes, the one that most guys overlook.  You know why we overlook it?  Because we are simple creatures and noticing a lower back tattoo is too easy – noticing she has an awkwardly close relationship with her mother takes a lot of effort that most guys aren’t willing to expend.  Every time you get in a fight she will call her mother for her opinion and you will forever be compared to her mother’s two ex-husbands.  It’s like dating two people who spend every waking moment trying to figure out why they hate you.  The mother has 2 divorces and 3 broken engagements and she just wants “what’s best for her daughter”…yeah…right.

5. Reads wedding magazines even though she’s single

Weird.  Scary.  Irrational.  Women are allowed to have an obsession with their dream wedding, but planning it when you’re single is extremely laughable.  You can just see 23-year-old Mary Sue sitting in her white wicker chair in suburban Tulsa, Oklahoma reading the latest copy of Brides magazine slowly touching the vacant finger where a ring someday will be.  It’s sad, really.

4. Doesn’t hesitate to beer bong or do keg stands

College is a time to party but it doesn’t mean you have to leave your dignity at the door.  TSF recommends avoiding chicks who feel it necessary to show off their drinking skills by doing keg stands, beer bonging, chugging – all of these qualities make guys want to avoid getting in a serious relationship with you.

3. Had plastic surgery at a young age

Hear me out on this one.  If a chick gets her nose done or liposuction at age 19, this means that in the prime of her life she was dissatisfied with her body.  Think about that.  She’s 19 and already feels the need to permanently alter her body?  What is she going to be like at 49?  Not only that, but if she’s getting $5,000 operations in high school – just think about what she’s going to want when she’s married to you and can afford more operations.

2. Has a lower back tattoo and/or tongue piercing

The most obvious entry to the list.  I’m sorry ladies, but if you have your tongue pierced or a lower back tattoo it’s like 1:1 odds you give it away too easy.  It’s the honest truth.  And you know what?  Everyone thinks that.  I mean, if that’s what you’re going for in the first place then more power to you … but the rest of us rational human beings know it as the “tramp stamp”.  Welcome to reality!

1. Can’t count her sexual partners on two hands

I was thinking about making this “can’t count her sexual partners on one hand”, but then I realized we all went to college at some point, right?  Two hands – that’s the maximum I am allowing.  When you start getting into double digits, it’s about time to start slowin’ the train down – coast on into the station and try not to sleep with the conductor.

BE SURE TO CHECK OUT TOP 10 TYPES OF GUYS THAT GIRLS SHOULD AVOID.

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At the end of 2008, I plan on doing “best of 2008″ lists with movies, music, TV, etc. 
A “TSF Awards” if you will.

Until then, I think there are 15 songs that you should be listening to – that way when December rolls around, you will be able to identify with some of the songs I mention.  That’s assuming that you download some of these songs that you don’t have.

in no particular order:

15. “Handlebars” by Flobots
14. “You Know What” by N.E.R.D.
13. “Bleeding Love” by Leona Lewis
12. “Tear Down This House” by The Avett Brothers
11. “Everybody Get Dangerous” by Weezer
10. “Love Story” by Taylor Swift
09. “Amsterdam” by Shane Alexander
08. “Derty” by Ronald Jenkees
07. “Attention” by The Raconteurs
06. “The Longer I Run” by Peter Bradley Adams
05. “Wild International” by One Day As A Lion
04. “Steal Away” by Murder By Death
03. “Bye Bye” by Mariah Carey
02. “You Don’t Know Me” by Ben Folds
01. “Hometown Glory” by Adele

Here is the list as an iMix on iTunes:

 

 

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One of the perks to having your own website is being able to say whatever the hell you want.  I’m not here to make friends – I’m here to entertain.

A recent post I did titled Top 10 Worst SkyMall products is evidently getting passed around the SkyMall corporate offices.  An employee, who recently posted a comment on my website under the name “Sean”, doesn’t seem too happy with me.  Sean seems to have some disdain for the list and claims I am writing – for my own website mind you – for “minimum wage”.

Here is his comment:
(click for larger)

“deep down inside you are just mad you didn’t think of some of these items”

Sean, Helen Keller could do your job blindfolded.  Get serious.

I love how he capitalized “Big Money” as if he is proud of the fact that stupid people buy stupid shit.  I could do your job better than you can.  Give me a 6 month trial period job at SkyMall and I could come up with mindless crap too.

I’ll call you next time I’m in Phoenix.  We’ll do lunch.  Until then, your products are still lame.

EDIT:  The reason I know he’s from SkyMall is because his IP address is the SkyMall corporate address.  You can find out the origination of IP addresses here.

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So when you run a website you basically see all the information about your visitors that you want.  For example, if you are reading this sentence right now that means you navigated to my website and I can see exactly in what manner you navigated here – whether you typed in “thatssofetch.com” or you were linked from another website – but the most interesting of all is when people reach my website via a search engine.  I can see exactly what they typed in to get here.  That being said, there are some interesting phrases and word combination being used to reach my website on a daily basis.

I’ve decided to share some of the more interesting Google searches
used to reach That’s So Fetch.

These are 100% real.

“do ghetto chicks put out faster?”

One of the more interesting questions in life.  Equatable to the “what’s the meaning of life” question.  I hope they got their answer – because TSF doesn’t have it and I really couldn’t tell you.  I don’t know from experience.

“how to impress a guy when you are both 12 years old’

Both?  So there are two 12-year-olds trying to court some dude.  How old is this dude and why did they put their age in the question?  Are both people twelve as in the questioner is 12 as well as the guy in question?

“black magic woman cake”

If this person found what they were looking for, I’d like to see it.  Were they looking for a cake modeled after the Santana song or literally a cake of a black woman who has magical powers?

“chicks rollerblading in los angeles”

This one isn’t that bad but what were they expecting?  An aerial view of all the hot chicks in L.A. on rollerblades?  I hope they aren’t going to go looking for them on their rollerblades cause that is definitely a TSF Chick Repellent Item.

“top chick magnet cars”

Legitimate question.  I guess you can type any question you may have in Google with at least some anonymity.

“beastie sodomizing tux”

I could take this one a lot of ways – but I won’t go there.  I would like to know what they were looking for.  A tuxedo, perhaps?  But how can a tuxedo sodomize something?  We won’t go there.

“confederate flag cornhole bags”

Are you serious?  You’re being serious.  You want confederate flag cornhole bags?  For those who don’t know, Cornhole is a game played outdoors at tailgates and such where you toss bean bags into holes on a wooden ramp.  This person wants their beanbags to have confederate flags on them.  What year is it?  1865?

“shit fetch”

Well, I’ve used the word “shit” before and the website is called That’s So Fetch – so naturally this would link here.  I wonder what page TSF was on for this search.  And what exactly was this person looking for anyways?  Pooper scooper is my best guess.

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BRITNEY

So, it’s 1998 since we last talked.  Britney Spears seems to have taken the recording industry by storm – again.  Her latest single, “Womanizer”, is currently the #1 song in the world right now.  Just a short year ago she was bald and breaking car windows with umbrellas.  Now, she’s evidently lost some weight, her husband, and … her clothes.  She is literally naked in her new music video.  Naked.  This is a NSFW video in case you did not understand the plain English that precedes this sentence.

It’s not a bad song – it really isn’t.  It grows on you and it’s not going away for a very long time I’m afraid.  Is she back for real this time?  We’ll see…

WHITE PEOPLE VIDEO OF THE DAY

A parody of T.I.’s “Whatever I Like” called “Whatever I’m White“.  Hilarious.

I love me some hockey, I need me some hockey – frisbees aight – but it ain’t no hockey

SNL DEBATE PARODY

So this is the 3rd week I have posted an SNL video, you’ll have to get over it.  This one might be the best yet.  Spot on impersonations of McCain and Brokaw … “William” Murray also makes a guest appearance.

SONG OF THE WEEK

“Handlebars” by Flobots

HAYDEN PANETTIERE PICTURE OF THE WEEK

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We’ve all been there – bored as shit on a plane and for some reason feel as though we can get great entertainment value from either A) the low-rate journalism of the in-flight magazine or B) the SkyMall magazine.  After a 3-4 minute scan through the in-flight magazine, I usually find myself spending at least 10 minutes perusing the fine products of some of the most “creative” American inventors.

Not only does the who in the hell buys this shit? thought come to mind while flipping through a SkyMall, but I seriously want to know who the hell comes up with this shit?.  Do these “inventors” work for SkyMall or are they independently contracted?  I can just picture SkyMall’s corporate offices – thirty dudes coming up with worthless products like a “pet observation hole” or a bluetooth headset hearing aid…

Hey Jim, get in here goddamnit, you gotta hear this idea.  It’s a mat that your dog can SHIT on … INDOORS!

UPDATE:  One of the SkyMall employees by the name of “Sean” found this list and wasn’t too happy about it.  Click here to see Sean The Asshat’s response to this list.

TOP 10 WORST

SKYMALL PRODUCTS

10. LAWN AERATOR SANDALS

“Aerating your lawn revitalizes hard, compacted soil, and helps prevent thatch buildup, but lawn services charge a mint for this service. Why not do it yourself? Just strap these “sandals” over your shoes and take a walk over your lawn.”

Are you lazy?  Buy this product and look like a jackass while you aerate your lawn.  Best worn with Khakis…

9. THE PET’S OBSERVATION DOME

“This clear acrylic dome opens a window to the world that helps satisfy a pet’s natural curiosity while maintaining safety and security. The porthole mounts easily over a hole cut into the fence and the 9-1/2″ diam. dome protrudes 5″ to give an inquisitive canine a panoramic view of the world beyond.”

Can also be used by horny old men to watch their neighbor’s daughter – who’s home for summer break – sunbathe topless with her 18-year-old sorority sisters.

8. MOBILE MASSAGE SYSTEM

“Designed especially for those with circulatory problems in the lower legs and feet, the gentle massage offered by the AIR MASSAGE BOOTS helps to relieve fatigue and pain associated with poor circulation. Simply slip on the vinyl boots, plug in the controller and choose your setting and zone to receive a non-invasive and comfortable compression treatment.”

What I would like to know is when do people use this product?  Standing in line at the grocery?  What type of person needs a mobile massage system? TURTLES IN A HALF SHELL – TURTLE POWER.

7. PERSONALIZE YOUR BARBEQUE!

“Create a personalized iron to brand your steaks, chicken and burgers and show your guests the pride you take in being a great chef! This 14″ stainless steel branding iron has a red lacquered handle with a leather hand strap and features Heatbacker Letters designed to hold heat longer for more impressions before reheating.”

You really should get the initials made “ASS” because that’s what you are if you use this product.  If my neighbor invited me over and put initials on his steaks, I would refuse to eat with him ever again – and probably move.  I just can’t trust someone who thinks their steaks should be personalized.

6. E-Z CHORD KIT

“Patented E-Z Chord device attaches to any guitar in just 5 minutes and gives you instant success. E-Z Chord replaces difficult finger moves with just four numbered buttons. All you have to do to change chords is push buttons at the right time.”

Can we just talk about the guy in the picture for a second?  He looks like a bi-sexual golfer from 1984.  Nice shirt dude.  As far the actual product goes:  want to learn how to NOT play guitar?  Waste your life using this product and learn NOTHING.  It doesn’t get much lazier than this, folks.

5. BLUETOOTH HEADSET ACCESSORIES

“Answer calls quickly, safely, and stylish with these award-winning wireless headset holders. No more reaching to answer the phone while driving or forgetting where you placed your headset. This easy-to-fasten/unfasten accessory works with all headset styles and makes a great gift for headset users.”

In case you can’t tell, that’s a necklace.  A BLUETOOTH HEADSET NECKLACE.  What is happening to us?  A bluetooth headset doesn’t make you look enough like a douchebag that you are taking it a step further and accessorizing it?

4. “KEEP YOUR DISTANCE” BUG VACUUM

“This cordless insect vacuum quickly captures bugs from up to 2′ away. Flies, bees, spiders, and other insects are suctioned by a 22,400-rpm motor, sending the insect through a one-way valve in the extension tube to an electric grid in the handle that instantly kills the pest. The extension tube removes to place dead bugs in the garbage, shutting off the electric grid in the process to protect curious fingers from electrical shocks or burns.”

If you are a dude and this product appeals to you, please reaffirm that you have testicles.  It’s almost acceptable for a woman to have this … but seriously, $100 something dollars just to suck up bugs from 2 feet away?

3. FAKE BLUE TOOTH HEARING AID

“If a conventional hearing aid sounds like an embarrassment to you, try the Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier. It looks just like a cell phone ear adapter and works as a sound enhancer so you can join conversations and even hear soft voices from 50 feet away. Now you can enjoy the best of both worlds: a more youthful appearance and better hearing. Comes with charger (no batteries to replace) and three ear tips.”

Yes, draw more attention to your hearing aid with this faux bluetooth headset.  No one will notice that you wear a bluetooth headset 24/7.  I promise.

2. RPCM COOL VEST – THE ORIGINAL COOL VEST

“The RPCM Cool Vest – The Original Cool Vest from ActiveForever is a one-size fits most poly-cotton vest designed to be worn under clothing, uniforms, or any other combination of material to keep you cool in the most smoldering of conditions. Most commonly the RPCM Cool Vests are useful for firefighters, police officers, soldiers, or even those of us participating in athletic events or industrial processes.”

It’s a cross between a bulletproof vest and a straight jacket.  How can a sane human being be wearing that and think it’s normal?  Where would you need to be wearing a vest with ice in it?  People who buy SkyMall products live in the suburbs with $2,000 a month electric bills.  I have a hard time picturing a 40-year-old housewife flipping through a SkyMall in first class and wanting to buy this product.

1. THE INDOOR DOG RESTROOM

“This mat-and-tray system gives dogs a place to relieve themselves when they can’t get outside for respite. Ideal for high rise-dwelling dogs, when owners aren’t home, or even just for times of harsh weather, this ingenious system uses a mat made of antimicrobial, porous artificial turf that gives off an organic scent to attract dogs, so they can be taught quickly that it is an acceptable spot for relieving themselves. The mat sits on top of a plastic insert which allows liquid to drain into the included tray for easy clean-up. The turf yarn is a unique construction specially designed for use with dogs, and its antimicrobial composition helps prevent odors. The tray is easy to empty and can hold up to two gallons of liquid.”

This product is a joke in itself.  Not actually a joke – all these products are 100% real.  Here’s my question:  how many people own this product?  100?  1000?  There’s no way they’ve moved more than 100 of these things.  I would love to see the sales data on this.  You want a joke about it?  Re-read their description. 

UPDATE:  One of the SkyMall employees by the name of “Sean” found this list and wasn’t too happy about it.  Click here to see Sean The Asshat’s response to this list.

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Shane Alexander is quietly becoming a mainstay in modern folk rock.  We have raved about this guy over the past couple months here and here, so we thought it only fitting that when he came through town we’d get him to sit down with us and answer a barrage of aimless questions.

When I first head Shane and reviewed his album, The Sky Below, for TSF, I hadn’t heard any of his previous work.  I have since had the opportunity to listen to his previous album, Stargazer, and give it my undivided attention.  It’s much more of a time piece than his first record – much more stripped down and deep.  Although I prefer his latest effort, The Sky Below, there is a certain likability to this album that is hard for me to pinpoint.  I get the independent artist vibe from this record – a singer/songwriter album with a stripped-down simplicity that works perfectly.

TSF reveiwed Shane’s
latest album, The Sky Below
click here to see.

Two best songs from Stargazer: (click to listen)

Front Porch Serenade

The Moore Hotel

TSF Exclusive Interview with Shane Alexander:

TSF:  What was your first guitar and did it help you get chicks?

SA:  My first guitar was called an Alamo Fiesta – it was a crappy electric guitar that my grandmother got for me at a yard sale.  I was only 10-years-old so it was a little early to be getting the ladies.  Sadly, I sold it.

TSF:  If there was a private concert held for you and you could choose 3 bands/artists to play for you, who would it be?

SA:  Joseph Arthur, Beck, and Flaming Lips.

TSF:  What is your favorite 80s movie?

SA:  Breakfast Club first comes to mind because it’s the quintessential 80s movie – but Less Than Zero with Robert Downey Jr. and Jamie Gertz.  I was so madly in love with Jamie Gertz.

TSF:  If you had the chance to pitch a song of yours – one song only- to every record exec and important producer in the music business, what song would it be?

SA:  I’ll say “Taxi Cab”, the song I just wrote.

TSF:  If you could eat lunch with anyone alive, who would it be?

SA:  Barack Obama.

TSF:  What was the last good book you read?

SA:  Gonzo, the story of Hunter S. Thompson.  It’s such a page turner.  He got into so much trouble day after day – he lived his life on his own terms.  I’m a huge a Hunter Thompson fan.

TSF:  What’s the one album you couldn’t live without?

SA:  Sea Change by Beck.  It’s a masterpiece.

TSF:  If you could live vicariously through any movie character, who would it be?

SA:  The Song Remains The Same is a movie about Led Zeppelin, so we will say Jimmy Page – around that era.

TSF:  Genesis with Phil Collins or Peter Gabriel as the lead singer?

SA:  I’ll go with Phil Collins although I like Peter Gabriel’s solo stuff a lot.

TSF:  Do you Google yourself?  If so, how often?

SA:  I do but I have Google alerts.  I do actually Google myself a couple times a month.  I like to keep tabs.

TSF:  What is the best review/feedback you’ve gotten for an album?

SA:  I’ve done well in Holland since 2005.  I got 4 star reviews in Playboy over there twice.  When I was on the road with Seal, he told me how much he loved the record – and Jewel as well.

TSF:  I have a theory that independent artists are slowly taking over the music business?  Do you agree?

SA:  We’re are definitely changing it.  I’m happily independent but I’m just always looking to gain more exposure.  Through branding and endorsements, there are a lot of ways to be mainstream without a label.  What frightens me is that music is becoming more of a free commodity – but we are finding more ways to be creative and stay ahead of the curve.  But yeah, Indies are definitely gaining some power.

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