That’s So Fetch - A Pop Culture Blog

We’ve all been there - bored as shit on a plane and for some reason feel as though we can get great entertainment value from either A) the low-rate journalism of the in-flight magazine or B) the SkyMall magazine.  After a 3-4 minute scan through the in-flight magazine, I usually find myself spending at least 10 minutes perusing the fine products of some of the most “creative” American inventors.

Not only does the who in the hell buys this shit? thought come into mind while flipping through a SkyMall, but I seriously want to know who the hell comes up with this shit?.  Do these “inventors” work for SkyMall or are they independently contracted?  I can just picture SkyMall’s corporate offices - thirty dudes coming up with worthless products like a “pet observation hole” or a bluetooth headset hearing aid…

Hey Jim, get in here goddamnit, you gotta hear this idea.  It’s a mat that your dog can SHIT on … INDOORS!

UPDATE:  One of the SkyMall employees by the name of “Sean” found this list and wasn’t too happy about it.  Click here to see Sean The Asshat’s response to this list.

TOP 10 WORST

SKYMALL PRODUCTS

10. LAWN AERATOR SANDALS

“Aerating your lawn revitalizes hard, compacted soil, and helps prevent thatch buildup, but lawn services charge a mint for this service. Why not do it yourself? Just strap these “sandals” over your shoes and take a walk over your lawn.”

Are you lazy?  Buy this product and look like a jackass while you aerate your lawn.  Best worn with Khakis…

9. THE PET’S OBSERVATION DOME

“This clear acrylic dome opens a window to the world that helps satisfy a pet’s natural curiosity while maintaining safety and security. The porthole mounts easily over a hole cut into the fence and the 9-1/2″ diam. dome protrudes 5″ to give an inquisitive canine a panoramic view of the world beyond.”

Can also be used by horny old men to watch their neighbor’s daughter - who’s home for summer break - sunbathe topless with her 18-year-old sorority sisters.

8. MOBILE MASSAGE SYSTEM

“Designed especially for those with circulatory problems in the lower legs and feet, the gentle massage offered by the AIR MASSAGE BOOTS helps to relieve fatigue and pain associated with poor circulation. Simply slip on the vinyl boots, plug in the controller and choose your setting and zone to receive a non-invasive and comfortable compression treatment.”

What I would like to know is when do people use this product?  Standing in line at the grocery?  What type of person needs a mobile massage system? TURTLES IN A HALF SHELL - TURTLE POWER.

7. PERSONALIZE YOUR BARBEQUE!

“Create a personalized iron to brand your steaks, chicken and burgers and show your guests the pride you take in being a great chef! This 14″ stainless steel branding iron has a red lacquered handle with a leather hand strap and features Heatbacker Letters designed to hold heat longer for more impressions before reheating.”

You really should get the initials made “ASS” because that’s what you are if you use this product.  If my neighbor invited me over and put initials on his steaks, I would refuse to eat with him ever again - and probably move.  I just can’t trust someone who thinks their steaks should be personalized.

6. E-Z CHORD KIT

“Patented E-Z Chord device attaches to any guitar in just 5 minutes and gives you instant success. E-Z Chord replaces difficult finger moves with just four numbered buttons. All you have to do to change chords is push buttons at the right time.”

Can we just talk about the guy in the picture for a second?  He looks like a bi-sexual golfer from 1984.  Nice shirt dude.  As far the actual product goes:  want to learn how to NOT play guitar?  Waste your life using this product and learn NOTHING.  It doesn’t get much lazier than this, folks.

5. BLUETOOTH HEADSET ACCESSORIES

“Answer calls quickly, safely, and stylish with these award-winning wireless headset holders. No more reaching to answer the phone while driving or forgetting where you placed your headset. This easy-to-fasten/unfasten accessory works with all headset styles and makes a great gift for headset users.”

In case you can’t tell, that’s a necklace.  A BLUETOOTH HEADSET NECKLACE.  What is happening to us?  A bluetooth headset doesn’t make you look enough like a douchebag that you are taking it a step further and accessorizing it?

4. “KEEP YOUR DISTANCE” BUG VACUUM

“This cordless insect vacuum quickly captures bugs from up to 2′ away. Flies, bees, spiders, and other insects are suctioned by a 22,400-rpm motor, sending the insect through a one-way valve in the extension tube to an electric grid in the handle that instantly kills the pest. The extension tube removes to place dead bugs in the garbage, shutting off the electric grid in the process to protect curious fingers from electrical shocks or burns.”

If you are a dude and this product appeals to you, please reaffirm that you have testicles.  It’s almost acceptable for a woman to have this … but seriously, $100 something dollars just to suck up bugs from 2 feet away?

3. FAKE BLUE TOOTH HEARING AID

“If a conventional hearing aid sounds like an embarrassment to you, try the Stealth Secret Sound Amplifier. It looks just like a cell phone ear adapter and works as a sound enhancer so you can join conversations and even hear soft voices from 50 feet away. Now you can enjoy the best of both worlds: a more youthful appearance and better hearing. Comes with charger (no batteries to replace) and three ear tips.”

Yes, draw more attention to your hearing aid with this faux bluetooth headset.  No one will notice that you wear a bluetooth headset 24/7.  I promise.

2. RPCM COOL VEST - THE ORIGINAL COOL VEST

“The RPCM Cool Vest - The Original Cool Vest from ActiveForever is a one-size fits most poly-cotton vest designed to be worn under clothing, uniforms, or any other combination of material to keep you cool in the most smoldering of conditions. Most commonly the RPCM Cool Vests are useful for firefighters, police officers, soldiers, or even those of us participating in athletic events or industrial processes.”

It’s a cross between a bulletproof vest and a straight jacket.  How can a sane human being be wearing that and think it’s normal?  Where would you need to be wearing a vest with ice in it?  People who buy SkyMall products live in the suburbs with $2,000 a month electric bills.  I have a hard time picturing a 40-year-old housewife flipping through a SkyMall in first class and wanting to buy this product.

1. THE INDOOR DOG RESTROOM

“This mat-and-tray system gives dogs a place to relieve themselves when they can’t get outside for respite. Ideal for high rise-dwelling dogs, when owners aren’t home, or even just for times of harsh weather, this ingenious system uses a mat made of antimicrobial, porous artificial turf that gives off an organic scent to attract dogs, so they can be taught quickly that it is an acceptable spot for relieving themselves. The mat sits on top of a plastic insert which allows liquid to drain into the included tray for easy clean-up. The turf yarn is a unique construction specially designed for use with dogs, and its antimicrobial composition helps prevent odors. The tray is easy to empty and can hold up to two gallons of liquid.”

This product is a joke in itself.  Not actually a joke - all these products are 100% real.  Here’s my question:  how many people own this product?  100?  1000?  There’s no way they’ve moved more than 100 of these things.  I would love to see the sales data on this.  You want a joke about it?  Re-read their description. 

UPDATE:  One of the SkyMall employees by the name of “Sean” found this list and wasn’t too happy about it.  Click here to see Sean The Asshat’s response to this list.