I’m sure that each of these “celebrities” are relatively nice people.  I wouldn’t want to necessarily kick all of their asses – it’s more like I’d rather see someone else kick their ass – like a midget or a paraplegic nine-year-old.  Can you imagine anything more degrading than getting your ass kicked by a midget?  Anyways, I left chicks off this list because, call me old fashioned, it just doesn’t seem right for a dude to openly discuss kicking a chick’s ass.  Am I right?

Some of these dudes are a combination of annoying, lame, and lacking in any talent.  Some of these dudes have insane talent, but still need to be punched in the face.  Their annoyance factor weighs heavy in this list.

TOP 10 CELEBRITIES WHO NEED

TO GET THEIR ASS KICKED

10. JOHN MAYER

John Mayer has a lot of talent with a guitar in his hand, but too bad life exists outside of music.  I cringe every time I hear “Your Body Is A Wonderland” and hear this jackass sing his songs of fake love.  Then the whole Jennifer Aniston thing and his unwatchable show on VH1 that lasted all of two seconds.  He’s the definition of arrogance.

9. CHRIS MARTIN

Coldplay is the best worst band of all-time.  They make pleasing music, but it’s overplayed and way over appreciated.  Coldplay isn’t even one of the top 50 bands of all-time, yet some people love to proclaim them as the Gods of rock after only 4 albums.  Chris Martin named his son Apple and his demeanor is highly obnoxious.  Apple.

8. JUDE LAW

Jude Law’s acting sucks.  Jude Law’s accent sucks.  Jude Law’s voice sucks.  Jude Law’s hair sucks.  You get the point.

7. RYAN SEACREST

I’m not going to lie to you people – sometimes I like Ryan Seacrest on American Idol.  He can be witty at some points and make the show somewhat enjoyable, but the guy just needs a good ol’ ass whoopin’.  Nothing too severe – like being bedridden for a few days.  Just a few good punches and call it a night.  His radio show is annoying and his pretty boy attitude has got to go.

6. NICKELBACK’S SHITTY LEAD SINGER

Nickelback.  Nickelback.  Arguably the worse attempt at rock music to ever reach the mainstream in the United States.  Every single song is the same.  It’s the same song over and over and over again … and then once again.  The lead singer doesn’t even deserve to have his name mentioned on this list, we’ll just call him ‘”Nickelback’s Shitty Lead Singer”.  I’d love to see this guy get his ass kicked by a nine-year-old softball team or a WNBA coach as “Rockstar” is played in the background.

5. CRISS ANGEL

There is one reason Criss Angel cracks the top 5 of this list:  his new Las Vegas show.  I saw it and reviewed it here.  Go read that and you will understand why the guy needs to be punched in the mouth.  I can’t stand his attitude and his lame attempt to dress himself.  His show, Mindfreak, is somewhat cool, but his 15 minutes is about to be over.

4. MATTHEW McCONAUGHEY

He really should take his shirt off more.

3. PEREZ HILTON

Perez Hilton’s blog is one of the worse websites on the internet.  He’s “famous” because he has the ability to regurgitate uninteresting photos and celebrity gossip from other news sources.  His writing is awful and has absolutely no substance and his overuse of the exclamation point makes his website almost unreadable.  He’s also ugly as sin and the self-proclaimed “Queen of all media”.  I really don’t know if I’ve ever seen a less attractive human being.

2. DANIEL RADCLIFFE

Daniel Radcliffe, a.k.a. Harry Potter, has gradually become more and more annoying with each passing year – and he keeps taking his damn shirt off.  I just can’t trust someone who wears a vest with nothing under it.  Tell me you can honestly look at that picture and not want to punch him square in the mouth.  If a ferret and a parakeet had an emo step-child, it would be Daniel Radcliffe.

1. DANE COOK

Let me just make a blanket statement:  anyone who thinks that Dane Cook is hilarious has a terrible sense of humor.  I really can’t think of a worse personality trait than having an affinity for Dane Cook.  He’s bearable in Waiting, but he’s arguable the worst actor of this generation.  He is the male Jessica Simpson.  His “comedy” is sophomoric and asinine.  He’s way too boisterous and loud.  I’d love to see him get punched right in the face or bite it on a skateboard.

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Just because TSF claims “you haven’t heard” it doesn’t mean you literally haven’t heard it.  This is a collection of rock songs from the 21st century that, generally speaking, haven’t been played on the radio or featured in any mainstream media.  There are some huge acts on this list, but I have listed some of their lesser-known songs.

Maybe “The Denial Twist” was on the radio…either way, you need to hear it.

The Arctic Monkeys are the best new rock band of the 2000s.  I highly recommend all of their stuff.  Caviar’s self-titled album from 2000 is extremely overlooked.  You should pick that up as well.

I have made this list into an iTunes iMix, which you can directly download from the iTunes store.

CLICK HERE to access this top 10 list as an iMix on iTunes

10. THE MARS VOLTA – “INERTIATIC ESP”

9. MUSE – “HYSTERIA”

8. ANTI-FLAG – “THE PRESS CORPSE”

7. ARCTIC MONKEYS – “FROM THE RITZ TO THE RUBBLE”

6. THE DECEMBERISTS – “THE PERFECT CRIME #2″

5. AGAINST ME – “DON’T LOSE TOUCH”

4. RED HOT CHILI PEPPERS – “ANIMAL BAR”

3. FOO FIGHTERS – “DOA”

2. CAVIAR – “SUGARLESS”

[no stream]

1. THE WHITE STRIPES – “THE DENIAL TWIST”

This music video kicks ass.

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When music was first being sold in a portable format, it was all about the radio single and having that one great song.  Music then progressed into great singles and a great album, which was due in part to the success of the concept album and the artist using a record to tell a story.

In 1981, MTV changed it all with the advent of the music video.  No longer was music about the song, but music was about the look.

On November 16th, 2008, MTV decided to cancel its long running music video countdown show, Total Request Live.  TRL, as it was commonly known, featured the best in pop music and at its prime, was the beating heart of a thriving music business.  To be on TRL was to be an instant star.  Fans got to see their idols come to life in the form of a music video.  From TRL’s inception in 1998, it became the catalyst for larger-than-life pop superstars to launch a career and rise to fame almost overnight – literally.  From Britney Spears to Korn and Eminem, at the height of its success, if you were a pop musician and your videos weren’t on TRL, your career had ended before it even began.

Record sales were skyrocketing and with the initial release of a little music downloading program called Napster, TRL helped keep the music industry’s head above water.  Millions of dollars were spent on flashy music videos by profitable record labels.  A great video and a marketable appearance was more important than a great song.  While album sales were still high, they were almost 100% driven by the machine that was TRL.

Music, just like your hair style and what jeans you are wearing at this moment, is cyclical.  What is popular right now and the progressive marketing techniques used today will most likely not be used in 2018.  But, what is happening at this very moment will undoubtedly happen again 20, 30, or 40 years from now.

As we sit here today in 2008, things have changed.  Popular music as we know it has performed a 180 and is back to where it was 50, 60, 70 years ago.  Music videos have all but died and the iPod has rejuvenated the importance of a great song.  People are now acquiring their favorite music “a la carte” from a music downloading program.  ITunes is the driving force behind an industry back at square one.  A .99 cent song.  An iTunes mix.  Not just your favorite record, but your favorite songs.  And here’s the kicker: all songs are the same price.  Some shitty garage band from Des Moines, Iowa sells their latest single for .99 cents in the iTunes store alongside Elton John’s “Goodbye Yellowbrick Road” and The Who’s “Baba O’Riley”.

In a world where the music video has met its demise with the end of TRL and a computer program is the number one seller of music, what’s next?

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Before you read any of this list:

If you haven’t heard the song “Crazy Bitch” by Buckcherry, it’s imperative that you familiarize yourself with this song infesting the American bar scene.

Hey, You’re a crazy bitch
But you fuck so good, I’m on top of it
When I dream, I’m doing you all night
Scratches all down my back to keep me right on

This list highlights the most degrading songs of all-time that chicks love.  A lot of intensive labor and meticulous research has gone into bringing you a list of ten songs your daughter or sister probably dances to in some frat’s mildewed basement on a Tuesday night.

This is the song that people’s daughters are dancing to on top of tables to in your local bar.  This grossly mediocre alternative rock band from Los Angeles has created an anthem that is the most degrading song of all-time, yet adored by the average sorority chick at both public and private universities across this great country of ours.

It would be wayyyy too easy to include 10 rap songs by Nelly or 50 Cent or any other marginally talented hip hop artist.  But we here at TSF don’t do things in a conventional sense.  We have studied songs that you love but maybe don’t realize have degrading lyrics and worked them in with the degrading “ho” bearing songs you have come to know and love.

Alcohol, drunk chicks, and degrading music – it’s the American way.

THE TOP 10 MOST DEGRADING

SONGS THAT CHICKS LOVE

10. HOOTIE & THE BLOWFISH – “LET HER CRY”

This morning I woke up alone
Found a note by the phone
Saying maybe, maybe I’ll be back some day
I wanted to look for you
You walked in I didnt know just what I should do
So I sat back down and had a beer and felt sorry for myself.

Come on, Darius, you can do better than that.  This mid-90s alt-rock hit is about a dude who has a girlfriend who cries too much.  The guy doesn’t seem to care about her problems as expressed by lines such as “She never lets me in, only tell me wheres shes been when shes had too much to drink / I say that I don’t care, I just run my hands through her dark hair and then I pray to god”.  This guy is a total asshole.  His girlfriend is having problems yet he’s drinking beer and feeling sorry for himself.

9. KATY PERRY – “I KISSED A GIRL”

Yeah, yeah – I know – only 42-year-old soccer moms in suburbia and ugly feminists get offended by this song.  We here at TSF have no problem with chicks who switch hit (or bat left-handed, for that matter), but seeing straight chicks sing-a-long to this is simply comical.  Can you imagine a bunch of straight dudes partying to a song sung by a dude called “I Kissed A Guy”?  Think about it….

8. SIR MIX-A-LOT – “BABY GOT BACK”

Maybe the first of the degrading rap songs to ever be created.  Sir Mix-A-Lot gained a lot of unwanted attention for this tune, but chicks to this day still know every word to this song, including the monologue intro: “Oh my god, Becky, look her butt, it is so big…”  Play this song for your ladyfriend, mistress, whatever and don’t be surprised when she knows every word.  Try it.

7. NOTORIOUS B.I.G. – “BIG POPPA”

I had some reservation about adding this to the list, but decided it was necessary.  The reason being that it sounds like B.I.G. would be a pretty badass guy to party with if you are a chick.  In the song, he promises everything from t-bone steak dinners to watching a movie in a jacuzzi.  He even – gasp – begins to show he can commit with lines like “Cause I see some ladies tonight who should be havin’ my baby”, so at least chicks know he wants to start a family someday.

Unfortunately, it’s not all sweet from our favorite dead, obese rapper.  B.I.G. frequently uses the term “ho” and while watching a movie in a jacuzzi with him may sound inviting, he adds “…while you do me” to the end of that line.

6. ANYTHING BY OR FEATURING T-PAIN

“I’m N Luv (Wit A Stripper)” and “Bartender” are two of the most popular songs on any suburban white girl’s iPod “party” playlist.  It ain’t a party in the suburbs in your rich parent’s basement without some T-Pain coming through the $5,000 stereo.  Yay, white people.

5. SUBLIME – “WRONG WAY”

A cigarette  rests between her lips,
but I’m staring at her tits,
It’s the wrong way.

Strong if I can,
But I am only a man,
So I take her to the can,
It’s the wrong way.

The only family that she’s ever had
Is her 7 horny brothers
And her drunk-ass dad.
He needed money
So he put her on the street,
Everything was going fine until the day that she met me.

What is the listener supposed to take from this?  It just doesn’t sound right.  What’s a “can”?  This is a widely popular song with highly questionable content – and chicks dig it.

4. DEF LEPPARD – “POUR SOME SUGAR ON ME”

Lookin’ like a tramp, like a video vamp
Demolition woman, can I be your man?

Joe Elliot cuts to the chase and lets it be known that the chick who is the center of his attention looks like a tramp.  This is the heavy rock equivalent of a rapper calling a woman a “ho” – yet it is socially acceptable to use tramp instead of ho in this hard rock classic.  Maybe it’s a race thing.

3. JUVENILE – “BACK THAT AZZ UP”

Play this song at any party and chicks will go crazy.  Forget what Juvenile is actually saying, chicks don’t care:  “Call me big daddy when you back that ass up / girl who is you playin’ with?  back that ass up”.

2. MAROON 5 – “HARDER TO BREATHE”

Wasn’t expecting this one, were you?  Ah, it’s true – and damn, it made number two!  Not only does M5’s lead singer look like an asshole, but this song proves that he is – in fact – an asshole.

I have the tendency of getting very physical
So watch your step cause if I do you’ll need a miracle
You drain me dry and make me wonder why I’m even here
This double vision I was seeing is finally clear
You want to stay but you know very well I want you gone
Not fit to fuckin’ tread the ground that I am walking on

Ouch.  And you know this album is in the SUV CD player of thousands of soccer moms across America.

1. BUCKCHERRY – “CRAZY BITCH”

I was at a bar in Louisville, Kentucky around the time this song came out.  It seems like they played this song 3 times over the course of the entire night.  There was this one chick dressed like a mix between a prostitute and a Catholic schoolgirl singing this song at the top of her lungs.  I was like what the hell is going on here…?  The song is about a chick who’s hot and great in bed but also crazy.  How is this likable to a respectable female?  Based on its current popularity and the most straightforward, degrading lyrics in musical history, Buckcherry easily earns the number #1 spot.  See video at top.

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BRITNEY? … NOOO

Uh-oh.  Britney Spears, the poster child of integrity, has been accused of being highly influenced stealing the song “If U See Amy” from Jessie Malakouti.  I haven’t heard of her either…

The song is an upcoming track from her soon-to-be-released album, Circus, hitting stores December 2nd.  The song that Britney is presumably copying, “Trash Me”, has basically the same beat, but different lyrics.

The first song is “Trash Me” by Jessie Malakouti, followed by “If U See Amy” by Miss Spears.  Take a listen for yourself:

It took me like 3-4 listens before I could distinct which song was Britney.  To be honest with you, Britney may have copied the song from her, but that chick is undoubtedly copying Britney’s style – which is highly ironic.

GUINNESS WORLD “RECORD”

For the biggest Mohawk ever erected on planet earth.  You go on with your bad self.  I would totally tell everyone I ever met about my seemingly impossible feat.  It’d be my permanent Facebook status for years and there’s no doubt it’d be the topic of discussion on my daily MySpace blog.  No … no, I wouldn’t.  But, this guy does live in Nebraska and dresses like he’s at a Metallica concert in 1988, so this might be the most exciting thing to ever happen to him.  Good for you, sir.

WHY AM I BLOGGING?

Here I am blogging on a website that makes about as much money as a hooker in Vatican City and this guy made $250,000 in profit from an iPod application.

[via CNN.com] “A former ATM software designer for a large bank, Demeter created “Trism” in his spare time and pitched it to Apple last spring. The company made the game available for download with the July launch of its App Store, an online provider of applications for its iPods and iPhones.

Priced at $5, “Trism” earned Demeter $250,000 in profits the first two months…

It can take dozens of professional developers and millions of dollars to create a video game for a traditional console such as a PlayStation or an Xbox. But the iPhone and the App Store have helped democratize game development by opening the field to any software coder with talent and a clever idea, industry observers say.”

see the story on CNN here.

QUANTUM OF SUCKACE

I have seen every single Bond movie.  I can tell you that Timothy Dalton was, without a doubt, the worst Bond ever.  But, Quantum of Solace, the latest installment in the 50+ year old franchise, is arguably the worst 007 film yet.  First of all, one of the most important aspects to any bond movie, the theme song, was a great effort by rocker Jack White of The White Stripes and The Raconteurs fame.  There’s only one problem:  Alicia Keyes.  Who knew Alicia Keyes’ voice wouldn’t be big enough along-side Jack White?  She just feels lost in this song, which really brings it down.

The movie opens with a horribly edited, car-chase action sequence.  Even for someone who enjoyed The Blair Witch Project, it was almost unwatchable.  I had to turn away at one point because it was giving me a headache.  You know a movie is bad when someone asks you “Hey, what was that about” and you have no answer for them.  That’s how I felt walking out of this movie.  I don’t give a shit if you think I didn’t “get it”…I didn’t want to “get it” because the plot was terrible.  C-

SONG OF THE WEEK

Bruce Hornsby is one of the most overlooked musicians of all-time.  Don’t act like you don’t sing-a-long to this when you hear it on the radio.  Wait, do cars still have radios?

VIDEO OF THE WEEK

I would have gotten up and beat his ass – but I’m an irrational human being.

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There are a few drawbacks to running a website by yourself.  Although going solo is much cheaper than the alternative, having to write, update, troubleshoot, and be the IT guy all at the same time can certainly make you age faster than you’d like.

Long story short, I had to change hosts because my old host couldn’t handle the amount of bandwith my site was requiring.  Your favorite blog is now on a virtual dedicated server and is faster and better than before.  Oh, and never use HostMonster to host your website – a bunch of assholes over there.

Regardless, TSF is back…

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XoXo,

The TSF Team

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