TOP 10 DISLIKES OF SUBURBAN WHITE PEOPLE
The rumors are true, I grew up in the suburbs. But who better to write a list on suburban white’s dislikes than someone who experienced it first-hand for 18 years?
Rap music got serious consideration for this list, but let’s be honest, rap music is for suburban white people. Have you ever hung out with a 15-year-old white guy in the suburbs? Chances are his favorite music is Lil Wayne and he un-ironically uses terms like “hoes” and “trippin”.
THE TOP 10 DISLIKES OF
SUBURBAN WHITE PEOPLE
10. THE INABILITY TO UPGRADE
First class and the Presidential suite are a necessity. A relaxing vacation with the wife and kids isn’t complete without the inevitable upgrade. Arguing at the American Airlines ticket counter and throwing around your corporate weight is the best way to start off the perfect vacation. God forbid having to sit with the normal people in coach or staying in the room with only one and a half bath and partial ocean view.
9. OVERWEIGHT CHILDREN
Two things that suburban white people are afraid of: their kids being or becoming overweight or their children befriending an overweight child. Little Suzy isn’t allowed over at the plump kid’s house because his parents serve chips and non-diet sodas.
8. LIBERALS
You know that look of disgust on your dog’s face when he catches you watching him take a shit in the yard? That’s the look you can expect when you tell a suburbanite that you voted for Obama.
7. LONG STARBUCKS LINES
Soccer moms need their daily Starbucks fix, and if the Starbucks line is out the door, you better be ready for the soccer mom rage. Nothing is scarier than a pissed off, thirsty, 110-pound-white-woman after 90 minutes of Hot Yoga pulling into a Starbucks with a moderately long line.
6. CHEAP WINE
You know the age old question, what’s better: sex or chocolate? For the suburban white couple, it’s what’s better: sex or Napa valley? Never come between a suburban white person and their $200 bottle of cab franc and aged cheeses.
5. SENDING THEIR CHILDREN TO PUBLIC SCHOOL
Public school is scary. Diversity. Government salaried teachers. It’s full of kids who saw their first R-rated movie before the age of 13 and don’t brush their teeth before they go to bed. If private schools had literal slogans, they’d all be “Your kids are safe, It’s whiter here”.
4. TAXES
The two favorite words of any suburban white man’s vocabulary: write-off. Screw charity, if I can’t write it off, it ain’t worth it. It’s the American way.
3. DIVORCE SETTLEMENTS
Splitting your belongings down the middle is serious business. Who gets the Jag and who gets the Mercedes? The beach house in Florida is in a gated community with a golf course, but the Ski lodge in Tahoe’s pool isn’t Olympic-sized. Where will the children take tennis lessons? 
2. THE MIDDLE CLASS
The middle class, what a bunch of assholes. People working 10 hours-a-day in a coal mine or teaching your children for $30,000-a-year and they pay less taxes? Stealers.
1. SEEING THEIR CHILDREN FAIL
Seeing little Timmy strike out in baseball or fail a Geography test completely shatters the suburban will. To live in the suburbs is to live in a bubble, because in real life, no one fails.
This explains why suburban white people love soccer. Soccer is the only sport in which public embarrassment is a rarity. Think about it:
Basketball: shooting an air ball at the foul line.
Football: throwing an interception for a touchdown or dropping the game-winning pass in the end zone.
Baseball: striking out with the bases loaded.
In soccer, the kid can be terrible, but no one really notices. The lack of embarrassment is the single number one reason why soccer is the most played youth sport in America. How many of those kids actually grow up to be soccer fans? Less than 1%. Fact.
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Genius
I found this funny and, sadly, true. And I would know– I’m white and live in the suburbs.
Stupid Suburban White people… lol xDD
One quibble: most people who live in the suburbs ARE the middle class (for the most part: my suburb ranged from working class to upper middle class). You’re talking about the working class in #2.
People who live in the suburbs tend to be liberal, though not overly so, and dislike rural conservatives. They also like public schools because suburban public schools are good. It’s urban white families that love private schools. Suburbanites also are middle class.