TOP 5 MOST DEPRESSING THINGS ABOUT GRADUATING COLLEGE
College is like Vegas, but the women are free and the alcohol is cheap. Four years of Utopian existence where seeing two co-eds do body shots off one another to shitty 80s songs is a common occurrence. A time when all the hot chicks you knew lived in a legalized brothel, more commonly known as a “sorority house”. This list is a look into the real world – your life after the party ends.
THE TOP 5 MOST DEPRESSING
THINGS ABOUT GRADUATING COLLEGE
5. A KEG AND SOLO CUPS WILL NO LONGER GET YOU LAID
A $40 keg of Natural Light, Vodka in a plastic bottle, and a Diet Coke chaser in your shitty off-campus apartment full of thrift store furniture and Playboy posters was as guaranteed a lay as Tiger on the back 9 at Sawgrass. Unfortunately, women in the ‘real world’ prefer $16 Passion Fruit martinis and dinner parties with their married friends and their lame husbands … where you can show her friends your testicles in the mason jar above the fireplace.
4. NO MORE IMPRESSIONABLE FRESHMEN
Being an upperclassman had its perks and impressionable, young freshmen were at the top of the list. Fresh out of high school, they had just broken up with their football player boyfriends who were too slow (and white) to play collegiate sports and they are ready to move on. You don’t have to worry about commitment or spending any money (or effort) to appease their simple minds. Shooting fish in a barrel has never been so easy.
3. HOT CHICKS LIVE ALONE, NOT TOGETHER IN HOUSES OR DORMS
One of the best things about college is the assimilation of all hot chicks into dormitory-style housing where they can be found at almost all hours of the day. The need to feed your rampant libido is effortless as these young women never go to a bar or party without their 10 equally-as-hot closest friends by their side. The only flirting you have to worry about is what to write on her Facebook wall the next day after a night of doing Tequila shots off her spray-tanned stomach.
2. “DO ME” IS REPLACED BY “MARRY ME”
The bitter truth is that those impressionable freshman do grow out of their wild phase. Around senior year, those very same 18-year-old girls dancing on bar tops in sundresses have “matured” into “women” and have more than began the search for the perfect male to put a ring on their finger and turn on their baby maker. Some dudes push through this rough patch and don’t allow themselves to get attached to their senior year girlfriends, but others embark on a premature journey into a suburban lifestyle.
1. YOU’RE JUDGED BY THE SIZE OF YOUR WALLET (NOT YOUR PENIS)
For your entire life, your social standing, personality, looks, and endowment have been a direct correlation to the amount of sexual activity you receive. The ‘real world’ is a wake up call and surprising slap in the face where you realize that the depth of your pockets outweighs natural and innate qualities. The ‘98 Honda Accord you got for your 16th birthday has stymied your sex life and those same chicks you were getting in college are boning down with 35-year-old executives in Presidential suites.
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[...] So Fetch has The Top 5 Most Depressing Things About Graduating From [...]
All of these things are not ony funny but true of the adjustments that need to be made in the perspectives of students as they graduate and enter the “real world”.