Archive for the 'college' Category
TOP 5 MOST DEPRESSING THINGS ABOUT GRADUATING COLLEGE
College is like Vegas, but the women are free and the alcohol is cheap. Four years of Utopian existence where seeing two co-eds do body shots off one another to shitty 80s songs is a common occurrence. A time when all the hot chicks you knew lived in a legalized brothel, more commonly known as a “sorority house”. This list is a look into the real world - your life after the party ends.
THE TOP 5 MOST DEPRESSING
THINGS ABOUT GRADUATING COLLEGE
5. A KEG AND SOLO CUPS WILL NO LONGER GET YOU LAID
A $40 keg of Natural Light, Vodka in a plastic bottle, and a Diet Coke chaser in your shitty off-campus apartment full of thrift store furniture and Playboy posters was as guaranteed a lay as Tiger on the back 9 at Sawgrass. Unfortunately, women in the ‘real world’ prefer $16 Passion Fruit martinis and dinner parties with their married friends and their lame husbands … where you can show her friends your testicles in the mason jar above the fireplace.
4. NO MORE IMPRESSIONABLE FRESHMEN
Being an upperclassman had its perks and impressionable, young freshmen were at the top of the list. Fresh out of high school, they had just broken up with their football player boyfriends who were too slow (and white) to play collegiate sports and they are ready to move on. You don’t have to worry about commitment or spending any money (or effort) to appease their simple minds. Shooting fish in a barrel has never been so easy.
3. HOT CHICKS LIVE ALONE, NOT TOGETHER IN HOUSES OR DORMS
One of the best things about college is the assimilation of all hot chicks into dormitory-style housing where they can be found at almost all hours of the day. The need to feed your rampant libido is effortless as these young women never go to a bar or party without their 10 equally-as-hot closest friends by their side. The only flirting you have to worry about is what to write on her Facebook wall the next day after a night of doing Tequila shots off her spray-tanned stomach.
2. “DO ME” IS REPLACED BY “MARRY ME”
The bitter truth is that those impressionable freshman do grow out of their wild phase. Around senior year, those very same 18-year-old girls dancing on bar tops in sundresses have “matured” into “women” and have more than began the search for the perfect male to put a ring on their finger and turn on their baby maker. Some dudes push through this rough patch and don’t allow themselves to get attached to their senior year girlfriends, but others embark on a premature journey into a suburban lifestyle.
1. YOU’RE JUDGED BY THE SIZE OF YOUR WALLET (NOT YOUR PENIS)
For your entire life, your social standing, personality, looks, and endowment have been a direct correlation to the amount of sexual activity you receive. The ‘real world’ is a wake up call and surprising slap in the face where you realize that the depth of your pockets outweighs natural and innate qualities. The ‘98 Honda Accord you got for your 16th birthday has stymied your sex life and those same chicks you were getting in college are boning down with 35-year-old executives in Presidential suites.
TOP 10 MOST ANNOYING PEOPLE ON FACEBOOK
Facebook was the greatest social networking site ever when it originally launched in 2004. There was no 
mini-feed obnoxiously “updating” you with irrelevant information and no high-schoolers or parents. With the new facebook and an even further step in the wrong direction, it’s still the people that make it sometimes unbearable. I can’t hate on Facebook too much though - TSF does have a facebook group. I even have a Facebook profile myself - but I can 100% guarantee I do not constitute one of the people on this list.
Out of the say 500 friends you have on Facebook, you probably care about maybe 50 of them. Seeing updates every 30 minutes from your first girlfriend in 7th grade is something I know I love logging in to. It’s funny how much people think we care about their lives. Why else do you think we enjoy movies so much? Because the average person’s life is a bore-fest.
10. 1000+ Pictures Self-Tagger
Tagging yourself in a picture is acceptable to a limit. Use your discretion. But having 1,000+ pictures of yourself is not only lame, it’s unequivocally narcissistic. We know your cool with your 2,000+ friends list - we don’t need to be reminded by 1,000+ pictures of you standing in front of your mirror striking poses and eating dinner with your friends.
9. Parents/Teachers
To quote Mean Girls: “seeing a teacher outside of school is like watching a dog walk on its hind legs”. Getting a friend request from your Geology professor is not only creepy and unsettling, but it’s annoying.
8. Embarrassing Photo Tagger
Respect people’s privacy. We’ve all been there: hammered and unaware there’s a camera around. Don’t act like you haven’t passed out on a toilet naked with a German hooker once or twice. It’s just common decency to not plaster these images across the internet of your so-called friends.
7. Internet PDA Couple/Kissing Profile Picture
I can’t even begin to express everyone’s disinterest in your love life and seeing you playing tonsil hockey with your lame boyfriend. But I guess anything is better than your past few profile pictures including a beer bong, short skirt and keg stand, “finger in the mouth seductive look” or a combination of all three.
6. Creepy Guy Who Somehow Figures Out Your Last Name
There should be some sort of friend adding rule. It’s extremely taboo If I meet you in class and only told you my first name, then I get home to a friend request from you. This immediately earns you a spot on my “creepy” list because you obviously searched for my last name for hours on my network search.
5. 30-Minute Status Changer
“JANE DOE is walking my dog then meeting the girls for lunch!!!” No one cares. Is that difficult for these people to understand? Your life isn’t interesting and people on the internet have no interest in what you are doing today outside of saving a baby from a burning building or developing a cure for cancer.
4. The “Kissing Face” Girl (a.k.a. “Pucker Face”)
4a. Gang Signs
Every picture you take you pretend as if you are kissing someone. Why? I’m not sure. Is this sexy? No, it is not. Maybe you’re self-conscious about your lips not being full enough and you overcompensate for this by puckering up in all of your pictures. And the gang signs have got to go - you’re a 19-year-old Caucasian female from an all white suburb in a Sorority - trust me, it’s not cool.
3. On-And-Off Relationship Changers
It’s funny when people think that we care if you are still in a relationship. This goes back to the “your life is boring” theme of this post. You aren’t famous. You and your boyfriend aren’t J-LO and whatever marginally talented guy she’s boning. If you and your boyfriend/girlfriend are on and off, do us a favor and just leave your relationship status blank.
2. High-Schoolers
You shouldn’t be allowed to have a social networking page until you are 18. Getting a friend request from your 13-year-old cousin or having your younger sibling on Facebook is just obnoxious. It’s kinda like walking into a 21 and up bar - we don’t have to worry if the chicks are 18 or not. Same should go for Facebook. It’s a win-win.
1. The Philosophical/Political Note Writer
Political Propagator
Politics are annoying enough in person, but some dude from my freshman year English class waxing political is extremely dissatisfying. Writing a note every 2 days about how Obama or McCain sucks isn’t going to change anyone’s opinion - it’s just going to further solidify your place in life as an arrogant asshole. This goes the same for the people who create political groups and send invites to everyone on their friends list. I appreciate the enthusiasm - but leave your political insights at the proverbial internet door.
TOP 10 MOST OBNOXIOUS PEOPLE AT COLLEGE BARS
10. The Overly Confident Pool/Darts Guy
You are above average at the “bar sports”. You have a steady hand that makes all the chicks melt. Your idea of a good time is a night of kickin’ ass and takin’ names at the pool table or an overly competitive game of darts. All of your friends want to be you and you have caught the attention of every girl in the bar - believe me - If you can’t get laid, I don’t know who can. You are a grade-A badass. We salute you.
9. The Unapproachable Hot Chick
We all know the unapproachable hot chick who’s just “too hot” for anyone. I mean - what’s the point of living if you aren’t accessible at all? Let me give you some help. A little TSF tip. 100% free consultation:
In any given group of girls, there will naturally be a “range” of hotness. Let’s say there’s a group of 4 chicks you want to get your mack on with. Before approaching, you begin forming a pre-game scouting report. Reports show a 10, an 8, a 7, a 5 and a 3. (out of 10). Never - and I repeat NEVER - go after the hottest chick in a group (in this case, the 10). She’s a lost cause, forget her. You go after the 2nd hottest. If you can’t close the deal with the 2nd hottest, you find another group and repeat. Win.
8. The “Grenade”
It is a well-known fact that hot chicks keep hot company. Unfortunately, there are exceptions to every rule. When you and and your friend decide to hit the bars, a Wing Man must be identified for the possibility of the “grenade”, a.k.a. the hot chick’s ugly friend. The Wing Man must accept the fact that he may have to jump on that grenade for you to have any possibility of taking care of business after hours. The things we do for our friends…
7. The Underages
You’re 19 and you “so look 21” - but in reality you stick out like a sore thumb. You’re a freshman and it’s insanely obvious because it’s 10:00pm and you’re already passed out in the bathroom. Dorm room Easy Mac has easily added a good 10-15 pounds … and it’s only September. Your fake ID is “flawless” and you’ve spent the last two weeks memorizing the fake address.
6. Guys In Sleeveless Shirts
You work out a lot - we get it. In my Top 10 Chick Repellent Items of 2008 list, I mentioned that all dudes should be wearing sleeves at all times in a public place. You may spend 3 hours a day in the gym, but who are you kidding? We all know you’re making up for size in your arms for the lack of size elsewhere. And it’s no secret that all of you sleeveless egomaniacs shave your arms - which is 100% unacceptable and is gayer than Elton John giving Richard Simmons a sponge bath.
5. The “You Lookin’ At My Girl?” Guy
You’re a badass and you love to make us all aware. The minute some dude looks at your girl’s D cups (that you probably paid for), you react as if he’d wished Polio upon your first born. You ask him to step outside because it really is worth going to jail for because some dude thinks your girlfriend is bangin’. You always have your hands on her hips and you must make it known that “she’s your girl“. You’re possessive and it’s oh-so-evident.
4. The Overly Boisterous-Frat Guy/Sorority Girl-80s Rock Fan
“DON’T STOP BELIEVIN’ - HOLD ON TO THAT FEEEEELINNNN’ YA YAYAAA”. You act like you haven’t heard that song in years and it gives you an auditory orgasm every time that kick ass 80s rock song resonates your ear drums. Pump your fist in the air, raise your beer, and scream the lyrics with your arm around that sexually obliged sorostitute. You’re wearing your slick Polo button up and only utilizing 3 or 4 of the buttons because we all know we love staring at your revolting, hairy man-chest.
3. Chicks With Boyfriends
If a hot chick has a boyfriend and decides to go “out with the girls”, do us all a favor and mention this little fact up front. The last thing I want to do is buy a chick five $9 drinks only to find out 30 minutes later that’s she’s heading home to bone down with her lame boyfriend.
2. The “It’s My Birthday!!!!!” Girl
You’re loud. You’re obnoxious. And everyone around must know that it’s your “BIRTHDAY, BITCH!“ You’re wearing an annoyingly unnecessary princess crown and you’re still drunk from the TGIF shooters at your birthday dinner. What you don’t realize is that no one gives two shits that it’s your birthday other than your equally as annoying friends. You’re overly celebrating the day that you emerged from your mother’s birth canal … just like everyone else will at some point in the year. No I won’t buy you a shot - go away.
1. Steroid Filled, “I’m Gonna Kick Your Ass” Guy
“Move.” “Don’t touch my boy, bro.” “Look at me like that again..” “Shut your goddamn mouth.” “Tell your boy to step off.” Has this guy ever taken a chick home? What a sad existence. It’s like it’s their life goal to get in at least one fight every weekend. They use words like “bro”, “chief”, and “boss”. Girls are “hoes”, “sluts” and “bitches” and don’t you ever cross one of their “boys”, chief.
Top 10 Most Overplayed Songs At College Parties/College Bars
If you’re like me, you love the smell of mildewed beer in the morning - that smell after a college party with 4 kegs of Natural Light or Milwaukee’s best. The bathroom has a caked over, black layer of filth on the floor and the toilet is clogged from that freshman co-ed’s Mexican food vomit (she needs to learn how to drink, this is a public school damn it).
At any moment in the night you can walk into any college party in America and hear one of these songs being played from the sonically compromised, low-fi stereo and they have separated the left and right speaker, sending one to the living room and the other to the porch. If it’s a frat party, no one cares about destroying the house because subservient pledges will take care of it in the morning.
Whilst you are reading this list, just envision that ego-maniac dressed like he’s in a box at the Kentucky Derby pumping his fist in the air screaming the lyrics to his favorite overplayed song. He hasn’t purchased an album since the 90s and his iPod is basically a 100 song mix tape.
10. Van Morrison - Brown Eyed Girl
9. Garth Brooks - Friends In Low Places
8. Van Halen - Runnin’ With The Devil
7. Boston - More Than A Feeling
6. Anything by Jack Johnson or any other marginally talented acoustic guitar-based singer
5. Lynyrd Skynyrd - Sweet Home Alabama
4. Rick Springfield - Jessie’s Girl
3. Anything by or featuring Lil Wayne
2. Bon Jovi - Livin’ On A Prayer
1. Journey - Don’t Stop Believin’
^if you don’t hear this song at a party, you aren’t at a party.
