Archive for the 'Items That Repel Chicks' Category
TOP 10 CHICK REPELLENT ITEMS OF 2008 | PART 2
Due to the popularity of my Top 10 Chick Repellent Items of 2008 list from a couple months back, I decided that I would need to extend that list into a part 2. Over the past few weeks I have been taking notes in airports and restaurants - doing the research to bring my readers another great list. I don’t make these lists to make fun of people - ok, maybe I do - but honestly, this list is a great way to check yourself. Haven’t we all wondered if that new pair of shoes or that new shirt is acceptable or ugly but no one has every really told us the truth?
TOP 10 CHICK REPELLENT
ITEMS OF 2008 …PT. 2
10. Cellphone Belt Clip
Trends evolve and back when cellphones first came out at the height of those monstrous flip phone’s popularity, it was borderline acceptable for you to sport your badass cellphone belt clip - but only because it was so big and would barely fit in your pocket. It’s 2008, people - your cellphone can fit in your pocket or briefcase with ease.
9. Truck With A Lift
Have you ever heard the saying the bigger a guy’s car, the smaller his package? Well, it’s kinda true - but when people take it to extremes and put a 15 inch on their F-150, they are pushing it. These guys are obviously making up for something.
Exception: you actually need the lift for your profession. Construction workers, loggers, etc. get a free pass here.
8. Bandana
Let’s just go ahead and make a blanket statement and say that anything Brett Michaels wears is automatically considered a chick repellent. Dudes that wear bandanas are either assholes, bald, or both. Never should a rational human being wake up, look in the mirror, and decide that a bandana is the way to go.
7. Scooter/Moped
I can see myself driving a MoPed, but only under a few circumstances - such as renting one in Venice or being too poor to afford a car. But just because I can see myself driving a MoPed doesn’t make it a chick magnet. They are extremely embarrassing and if I drove one I would do whatever it takes to not let chicks know of that fact.
6. Earrings
Let it be known on this here list that at TSF we do have an “exception to every rule” policy. It is a known fact that black people are inherently cooler than white people. We have copied them for decades and still they are much much cooler. Black dudes that have the cash can pull off the bling earrings - white dudes, however, cannot. Sorry guys, but it’s true. It may have been cool for like 7 minutes on your Senior year spring break - but you’re 30 now … seriously.
5. Fanny Pack or “Manbag”
This is the most obvious entry to Chick Repellent Items Pt.2. Fanny packs have been the butt of many jokes for years. First they were worn by hippies, then nerds - now I don’t even know who wears them. Some subculture that I am unaware of probably. That and Asian tourists. Just wear a damn backpack.
As far as “hand bags” or “man bags” go - no …… just no. I don’t care if you’re a male model in Italy or you read in GQ that it’s acceptable. Look at the dude in that picture and tell me he’s not gay. (Not that there’s anything wrong with that).
4. Short Sleeve Button-Up With Tie
The official outfit of nerds. Never never NEVER NEVER is this acceptable, people. Anyone who wears this get-up needs to be emailed this list immediately. I don’t care if you live on the equator and you walk to work on a goddamn dirt road in 110 degree heat, if you’re wearing a tie - long sleeves is a must. Never try to justify this - it’s not possible. No dude has ever gotten a chick wearing his nerd outfit.
3. Socks With Sandals
Just like the above entry, this fashion faux pas is highly taboo and honestly just straight up fugly. You are completely negating the reason for wearing sandals. If it’s too cold to wear sandals - then put on shoes for Christ’s sake. Never will you be accepted into society making a mockery of yourself in this manner.
2. Dip/Chewing Tobacco
This should just be overtly obvious. When you are packing that pinch of dip into the inside of your lower lip and you start druelling the color brown, never have you been so appalling. I’ve never met a woman in my entire life that would slap uglies with a dip in your cancer-ridden lower lip. Welcome to reality.
1. Moobs
For the politically correct folks at home, we’d call these “Man Boobs” - but I prefer the much more derogatory nomenclature of “Moobs” or the less common “Chesticles”. If you have ever watched that Seinfeld episode that featured the “Mansierre”/”Bro” and thought to yourself, “Hey, that’s a good idea!”, then this applies to you.
I must say that searching for pictures of moobs was excruciating and painful, but this is hard hitting journalism and sometimes I gotta do what it takes.
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TOP 10 CHICK REPELLENT ITEMS OF 2008
With changing styles and ideals of social norms, TSF is here to give you the 2008 Updated List of items that have been blacklisted by females world-wide. In an extremely unofficial and nonexistent survey, these were the top 10 items that women are repelled by the most. You might use one of these things on a daily basis - hell - you may be using one of these things right now. The truth hurts and as we know, fashions fade and fads dwindle. Just be happy that you read it here first. Now you know why chicks won’t talk to you or return your phone calls. If you are going to use one of these items, do yourself a favor and use it in the privacy of your own home - or at least if you drive a Prius, say it’s a company car.
THE TOP 10 CHICK
REPELLENT ITEMS OF 2008
JUST ADDED: Top 10 Chick Repellent Items Part 2
10. Homemade Tank-Tops
Going without sleeves is always risky. First of all, if you are going to go sleeveless, TSF recommends having toned arms - otherwise you probably can’t get away with it. But, the worst is when people cut the sleeves off of their own shirts and create homemade tank-tops. It’s even worse when said shirts are worn in public. Leave your ego at the door. Dudes should always be wearing sleeves in a public place.
9. ‘Miniature’ Dogs
It’s a known fact that one of the best ways to pick up chicks is walking a dog in the park - but for the sake of your sex life - your dog’s breed shouldn’t begin with the word “Miniature” - for the same reason that girls don’t like ultra skinny or weak guys. You don’t have to have a damn Great Dane, but my god man your dog is killing it for you.
8. Harry Potter Books
Harry Potter is not cool. It never was cool. If you’re going to read Harry Potter and you can’t resist the urge, the only place a hot chick should see you holding this book is when you are purchasing it at the counter of your local bookstore. It should then be immediately sheathed and read in the privacy of your bedroom.
7. Jewelry
This entry may offend people, but let me clarify with some exceptions.
Exceptions A) Religious jewelry, B) Super Bowl/National Championship Ring, C) Watch
The gold chain has got to go. Wearing unnecessary jewelry is almost as bad as dudes with lower back tattoos. No one cares that you went to Hawaii for a week and you got a seashell necklace.
6. The Neck Pillow
You know why you can’t get chicks on airplanes? Because you act like you’re at a goddamn day spa with your Neck Pillow, Noise Canceling headphones, and most likely some sort of $100 goose hair infused down blanket from Restoration Hardware. Bring a pillow like a real man.
5. Tofu
Specifically meat tofu. Here’s all you need to know about Tofu: you don’t know anything about Tofu. If a girl asks you, “Have you ever had Tofu?”, the only correct response would be “What’s tofu?” or “No, and I don’t plan to…” Nothing kills a woman’s sex drive more than a man ordering water and a tofu burger. We’re higher on the food chain. Eat a damn burger.
4. A Toyota Prius
Hybrid will be cool, but not for a while. I don’t really look down on dudes in Priuses, but I do have serious doubt that they can pick up chicks in a car like that. But, on a related note, driving a huge ass truck with a 10 inch lift is arguably more repellent. It goes both ways.
3. Rollerblades/Roller skates
3a. Biking/Rollerblading/Rollerskating Helmets
Nothing turns a chick on more than seeing you rolling down the street on your roller blades. Basically, anything you do, look at yourself in the mirror before you do it/wear it. Do you honestly think that chicks would melt at the sight of you strolling through the park with your badass roller blades and an iPod shuffle clipped to your sleeve? … It’s a rhetorical question - but the answer is hell no.
2. Bluetooth Headsets
The only exception to this rule is when you are in your car in states that require hands free phones by law. If you are walking around with a Bluetooth headset on, I hope you are married and your wife loves you. Otherwise, the other side of your bed is going to be barren for a long long time.
1. Crocs
Ah, my favorite. The ugliest piece of clothing ever created. There is no excuse for wearing Crocs. Crocs are so fugly that it can cause the people you’re with to not get chicks. You are literally a disease to the people around you while wearing these in public. Reminds me of the facebook group, “I don’t care how comfortable Crocs are, you look like a dumbass.” Well said.
JUST ADDED: Top 10 Chick Repellent Items Part 2
